no, he came in my armpit
Swine flu is the new snow day.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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