We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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