First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
