I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
