You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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