We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
