We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
