I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
