I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
