So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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