I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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