My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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