maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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