Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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