My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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