Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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