I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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