We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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