Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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