I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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