How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My cat gives me a boner
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
