I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
