Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
