Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
