Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
