have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
