then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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