You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
