I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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