Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
