I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize