We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
