life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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