On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
