I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
