I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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