Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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