i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
