you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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