Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
