i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
