the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize