Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This baby is an asshole
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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