I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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