Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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