we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
