i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
