somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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