oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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