so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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