Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
