Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
