my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
