it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
