whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
