I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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