We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
