I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This is my gift to your gina
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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